Alexander: worst movie of 2005 yet

On paper it must have seemed a guaranteed winner:

  • Oliver Stone as director: not that active as of lately – true – but responsible for blockbusters like JFK, Wall Street, Platoon and Born on the 4th of July
  • a strong story of battle, success and leadership with a clear super-hero
  • Colin Farell (as Alexander): the Irish bloke who became the receptionists’ hero after hanging on the phone for over an hour in “Phone Booth
  • Angelina Jolie (as his mom, Olympias): the predator babe with the luscious lips and the excellent performing C-cup
  • Anthony Hopkins (as Ptolemy): any director’s first choice for playing an old man in a movie
  • Val Kilmer (as Philip, Alexander’s father): the pilot with the chewing gum in Top Gun
  • Rosario Dawson (as Alexander’s ravishing wife Roxane): who also played in “Kids” and surely has ‘grown’ in more than one sense of the word!
  • some B and C-list actors like Christopher Plummer and Jared Leto …

But the result is a disaster. What will you remember from the movie’s characters? Ptolemy was a boring old man, Olympias a manipulating bitch, Philip had only one eye, Roxane was a hot-blooded exotic beauty with a funny accent and Alexander was a heavy drinker and definitely queer. What images will you carry with you: Egypt looks silly, Babylon looks formidable, war is bloody, elephants are huge and queer men wear mascara.

For all the money it must have cost ($150 million), it is the by far the worst movie I have seen in the last year, that is, the worst of about sixty movies. It’s not just boring, it’s annoying. Chaotic script, bad directing, flat unsympathetic characters, silly special effects, over-the-top acting, tedious melodramatic speeches, way too slow and hence too long.

If you want to see a fun movie, go see “Ocean’s Twelve“. If you want to see a slow, beautiful, enigmatic movie, go see “2046“. If you want to see a romantic movie with a twist, go see “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind“. As a last resort, go see “National Treasure“, it’s an Indiana Jones rip-off, but it’s bearable. Just don’t waste time with Alexander.

7 thoughts on “Alexander: worst movie of 2005 yet”

  1. Worst movie of 2005? I think it qualifies in greater proportions than that. Watching Alexander made me wince at the horrendous acting, the stale-cliche ridden dialogue (hello, can we just take one of those sixties grade b flicks like Jason and the Argonauts, which was betterand repeat it ad infinitum and ad nauseum), and the utterly unlevel juxtaposition of trying to find out just what the hell is going on. The homosexual scenes were downright laughable.Stone should be drawn and quartered for such a debacle, because while viewing it, I wish I had been. It damn sure would have been more entertaining than watching this mess!

  2. True Dat. By far the worst movie I have ever seen. I just finnished watching it and I had to make a google search for the worst movie of 2005 and guess what this was the first thing that came up. How true is that.

  3. Ocean’s Twelve as an alternative? You GOTTA be kidding me… a true blown cinematic POS… nowhere near as bad as Alexander, mind you, as no one quite does mindless excess like Oliver Stone(d)… BUT… to recommend OT as an alternative is like offering someone their choice of fingernail or nipple torture… Either way, there’s going to be a lot of suffering.

  4. Alexander the great was the greatest warrior in history, stood almost seven feet tall, and shaped the modern world. Collin Farrell is a skinny white fag, who speaks with a poor scottish accent and is supposed to be greek.

    Worst movie of all time.

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  6. what a waste of money.
    at times it was so bad i thought they were joking.
    ex: collin farrell yelling braveheart like for no reason. freaking random gay scenes, not to mention how bad the war scene was, collin rides a horse for 25 minutes, throws a spear, misses, then becomes king of the world.

    Oliver couldn’t honestly have felt good about this one.

  7. Apart from the Oceans tweleve comment, this is the best review of the film I will ever read. Thank You

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