On paper it must have seemed a guaranteed winner:
- Oliver Stone as director: not that active as of lately – true – but responsible for blockbusters like JFK, Wall Street, Platoon and Born on the 4th of July
- a strong story of battle, success and leadership with a clear super-hero
- Colin Farell (as Alexander): the Irish bloke who became the receptionists’ hero after hanging on the phone for over an hour in “Phone Booth”
- Angelina Jolie (as his mom, Olympias): the predator babe with the luscious lips and the excellent performing C-cup
- Anthony Hopkins (as Ptolemy): any director’s first choice for playing an old man in a movie
- Val Kilmer (as Philip, Alexander’s father): the pilot with the chewing gum in Top Gun
- Rosario Dawson (as Alexander’s ravishing wife Roxane): who also played in “Kids” and surely has ‘grown’ in more than one sense of the word!
- some B and C-list actors like Christopher Plummer and Jared Leto …
But the result is a disaster. What will you remember from the movie’s characters? Ptolemy was a boring old man, Olympias a manipulating bitch, Philip had only one eye, Roxane was a hot-blooded exotic beauty with a funny accent and Alexander was a heavy drinker and definitely queer. What images will you carry with you: Egypt looks silly, Babylon looks formidable, war is bloody, elephants are huge and queer men wear mascara.
For all the money it must have cost ($150 million), it is the by far the worst movie I have seen in the last year, that is, the worst of about sixty movies. It’s not just boring, it’s annoying. Chaotic script, bad directing, flat unsympathetic characters, silly special effects, over-the-top acting, tedious melodramatic speeches, way too slow and hence too long.
If you want to see a fun movie, go see “Ocean’s Twelve“. If you want to see a slow, beautiful, enigmatic movie, go see “2046“. If you want to see a romantic movie with a twist, go see “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind“. As a last resort, go see “National Treasure“, it’s an Indiana Jones rip-off, but it’s bearable. Just don’t waste time with Alexander.